Yes, that would be me, Meghan Marie Waters Romney. This post by a woman I don't even know, really defines how I have been feeling in the last year. Though, the comment made (regarding said post) below, is a little more applicable to my life in particular.
"Thanks for being willing to share. I love how God uses the little things to teach us big lessons. I'm being taught a similar lesson now, but He's chosen to use my health. I have always excelled at pretty much anything that I set my hand to... Now, I have had to quit my job, I do not have the physical capability to burn my candle at one end much less both, and I can no longer carry on an intelligent conversation without forgetting what I was saying (or where I am for that matter) in mid sentence. I have nothing left of myself to be rely on and so have become completely dependent upon God. He has stripped me of what I thought was my identity to show me that I am nothing without Him , but with Him, I am an heir to throne of God."- -Jenn I am coming around. It's sad really. I thought there was a time in my life where I was very dependent on God; where I had learned true happiness is in the Gospel. Through some depression and mistakes made, I forgot that and lost some of my identity. I tried to grasp it back in any way possible--and mostly through needing things from people-affirmation, attention, praise, yada yada. I forgot (though never fully lost) my identity as simply, yet ASTOUNDINGLY, a daughter of God. What more could I need!? And as I have "sacrificed" all of that praise and adoration to bring a child in the world and leave all feelings of immediate gratification and accomplishment aside (that, along with a significantly different physical self), I have slowly been finding myself again. You know, the person I felt so good--just good, not better--to be so long ago. I miss that me. I want that me back. I'm working hard to do it. It's not easy. And the mistakes I've made have brought even more difficulty to the process. But it will happen as I turn myself over to Him and stop worrying about what others are thinking. So what if I see a picture of a girl on facebook who looks not one pound heavier than she was before becoming pregnant immediately following childbirth?! You know, that one that has her hair and make up done and is dressed to the "T" on the way home from the hospital? I wasn't her (as can obviously be identified by seeing many of the not-so-flattering pictures that are actually posted on my blog.) I am still not her. I feel good if I can get myself showered by 3:00 in the afternoon! What about so-and-so who is bragging and smearing pictures of the fabulous vacations they've been on in the last couple of months, or jane doe who never has to wear the same outfit twice!? Not me! Is that ok? Certainly. I will echo the quote Erin spoke once again:
Sowe fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
butwhat is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
Now, I will work on being more content with my own unseen. And less hurt when others are not as content to do the same.
Anyway, on a lighter note (though only slightly, as it is both breaking my heart and bringing me unbridled joy all at once), my little boy is growing up! Even as we speak! And I seriously just can't handle it. No really, just ask my husband what keeps me up moaning like Myrtle (you know, Moaning Myrtle) at 12:30 in the AM? But that's for another time, another post.
-Every time I say a prayer on Camden's and my meal, he always looks behind him and wonders who I'm talking to.
-When I tell Camden "no," he looks at me, shakes his head "yes" and keeps on doing it until the third time I say "no." Then, he shakes his head "no" too and goes on to do something else.
-When Camden gets to hold my phone, he gets so excited he literally tries to squeeze it as hard as possible. It looks like he's about to have a seizure.
-Lately, Camden has mysteriously been eating crackers I never gave him. Come to find out, he kept going through his diaper bag, when I wasn't looking, to get treats.
-I'm beginning to realize I can't get strip in front of Camden anymore to take a shower. As soon as I start undressing, he laughs hysterically at me. I realize I'm not in THAT great of shape, but come on! :O)
-cuddling his blue blankie in bed
-his 'ba ba' (bottle) (why no, he is no longer nursing. Turns out, having mastitis for 5 months really decreases your milk supply--and your stamina--for nursing)
-or his 'ba ba' (ball)
-singing/playing the piano
-playing in the refrigerator
-my computer printer
-pulling books off the shelf/reading himself stories
-jumping on his bed
-pulling the fan/light cords to turn them on and off
-walking as fast as possible
-eating (though last time we went to the doc, he had dropped to the 13th percentile for weight. Is that even possible? for a child that was born in the 96th percentile?
In Mexico during Hurricane Alex
(why yes, a whole other story to tell)
P.S. Wasn't that an AWESOME thunderstorm last night?!